I am not so much liking blogger anymore. Not totally sure why the switch, but it is happening, so here is the link to my NEW blog. All old posts and comments have been transfered to the new one so please bookmark it as my blog.
Today it rained. My sister and I basically spent the morning on our respective computers. Then she had some work to do so she went and I went downtown where it started to pour. I jumped around from store to store, bought Ocean's 11, had too many yoghurt covered pretzels from the health food store, and got lost in the back streets. But really, what better way to learn a town than to get lost, right? I was going to stop at haymarket, but since it was so horribly crowded because of the rain, I went to starbucks instead and got some orange tea which burned my tongue to a crisp, unfortunately. I went to look at jewelry at the big jewelers in town...there were some really pretty diamond rings...
You know how I was constantly wanting freedom and whatnot? How I wanted to be able to do my own thing? Well guess what. Since my parents are out of town and my sister is working...well...freedum...i haz it. Sorry. OK. So I am sitting at haymarket cafe (again) with a laptop, some fresh mint from my sister's house that I am taking to my sister in law for making ice cream later today, and eating a muffin and drinking a cappy. Life's good. I might go across the street later to buy a bracelet I've been eyeing. I might not. See, that's the beauty of it. It's not necessarily to make trouble or do nothing, it's to have the choice. I am veeery happy. I like.
There are two moments of TV that I have watched that always make me cry. Always.
1: The transition between season 3 and season 4 of Lost when Charlie dies in the 3 finale, and then in the 4 premier when Hurley and Claire start crying. That ALWAYS gets me. And believe me, it's not just tearing up, it's crying like a baby.
2: The season finale of Grey's Anatomy season 2 when Denny dies. I haven't seen it in a while, but when I did, I didn't cry as much as with Lost, but I cried a hella lot.
This morning I woke up bright and early at 8:07 to have coffee with my mom, her friend, her friend's niece, her friend's friend, and her friend's friend's daughter. Catch all that? It's a fantastic little place. The atmosphere is very warm and cozy, which was perfect for today (cool, windy, clammy, grey, rainy). I had a cappuccino (which I discovered I liked in Israel..before I dont know why but I always stuck to lattes..) and a blueberry vanilla muffin, which was surprisingly quite reasonably sized. Usually, blueberry muffins are the size of about three eggs, but this was a modest single egg. It held me over without making me feel stuffed, which is great, and gave me a shot of caffeines since these days I hace pretty much no energy seeing as these days I am not able to get to sleep.
This is why I moved here, all these adorable little places. I bought tickets for a Bird and the Bee concert today.
yay.
I couldn't focus on my book (On the Road-Jack Kerouac), so I decided to write. We're in North Carolina now. Passed by South of the Border a while a go and are on the way to a Starbucks. Coffee in hotels that take dogs is deplorable. Mama told about how yesterday, the light was shining through a window into the breakfast area and it shone through the stream of coffee she was pouring and it made it look like Ginger Ale. "Not a good sign." So here I am, listening to music and quietly munching on the Twix bar I bought at the last gas station even though my mom told me not to buy and food. Then again, twix hardly constitutes food, right, mom? I have a coke zero (my new vice), too, but I dunno where it went.
Last night we stayed in a horrendous hotel. It was dirty and gross. Mama and Joan found two thongs in a bag in the sofa in the first room we were given so obviously we asked to switch, and in the new one, this morning, mama woke up and found a spider under her pillow. The breakfast was bagels, miniature donuts that had the flavor and consistency of cardboard, some fruit, some whole wheat bread, cereal, and some juice and coffee. Boring. Bad. We got out as soon as we could, which was unfortunately a bit to early to hit the Barnes and Noble a few miles down the road for their starbucks (they opened at 9).
As I mentioned before, my dad is driving a Penske truck up with us. Our (me, Mama, Joan) worry is that we will start following the wrong Penske truck. I have dubbed it the Proverbial Winsconsin Truck (don't ask me--Mum just started calling it the Wisconsin truck..).
I gotta say. Twix is better cold. Come to think of it, all candy is better cold. They should start keeping candy in fridges. They being the management.
The billboards out here are fantastic. There were some for vasectomies in this one town, and the doctor put his PICTURE on it, and he looked waaay creepy. Yeah, like somebody would want him going near their genitalia while unconscious...Then there was a South of the Border one which had a picture of a fish and said "Virgin Sturgeon and Unused Bagels"
I'm working on this project: see, I hoard fashion magazines like a packrat, so I figure, hey, I can't lug around these magazines all my life just because I like some items featured. A year ago, Melody gave me a folder that had collages on the covers inside and out and some organizing tabs with collages. The collages were made with magazine clippings, so what better use for it than to put MORE collages of magazine clippings in? So I sit here in the car clipping and gluing stuff down to cardstock and then storing it in the pockets. I also clipped articles that I want to save (interviews with actresses, articles on personal style by style gurus, fashion flashbacks for certain celebrities). I will store everything in those plastic protectors, you know? I even had this weird fantasy that once I am a famous actress renowned for my personal style, I could have it published, LOL! I am sure that with the number of fashion mags out there and the years I have left to live, I will take up more than one folder. But It is a good way to keep such things, don't you think? There was one magazine put out my Conde Nast, it was a one time deal called Fashion Rocks, which had articles on the links between music and fashion and I pretty much wanted to clip every article and every picture from every page, which of course, I cannot do, so I just decided to keep that entire magazine. I'll put it in one of the pockets.
Ah. The Swan. I love Carnival of the Animals, and Saint-Saens gave the prettiest one to Cello. Gotta love it.
We just got out of Starbucks. Mama wouldn't let me get anything because I have been eating too much junk food, lol. Just because I had a bacon cheeseburger last night and Mickey D's French fries the day before doesn't mean that I am eating badly :(
We've been following the ass of a Penske truck all day. It sucks.
Movie sound tracks are seriously amazing. I'm listening to the sound track for Zefferelli's Romeo and Juliet. Talk about transporting. I can imagine the movei in my mind's eye. I mean, yeah, maybe that's because I used to wastch it like 5-7 times in a row when I was what, 4? 5? But whatever. It's still amazing. Go look it up. Nina Rota composed it. Some of my other favorites are Pride and Prejudice (the new one, composed by Dario Marianelli), Corpse Bride (Danny Elfman, duh. If you didn't guess that one, I pity you.), The Darjeeling Limited (it's various artists, lots of Indian music, some Kinks stuff), Juno (again, various artists, mostly Kimya Dawson, again, some kinks, and this is an acquired taste, for shizz), Much Ado About Nothing (Patrick Doyle--his stuff is great, not always the best to listen to separately, but perfect for the movie), O Brother Where Art Though? (some fanTASTic bluegrass stuff), and most of the Zach Braff movies have great soundtracks. The list is a mix of songs from the movie and original movie soundtracks, but the soundtracks with various artists are a great way to find new stuff, but beware of the ones where you love hearing the song in the movie, but outside of it, it's stupid and cheesy. Some prime examples are Bridget Jones' Diary and Running with Scissors. Each has some good songs, but the entire thing...I mean, I love the scene in BJD where Rod Stewart's Have I Told You Lately That I Love You? plays, but seriously?
So now I'm laying here, trying to get out of the sun (it happens to be on my side of the car right now) listening to Modest Mouse and contemplating what style jeans to get. I need new jeans. My two favorite pairs are all getting worn in the thighs from a) being worn in the thighs, b) me trying to re-sew it which I recently realized weakens them further, in a way, and c) being even more worn. There are actualy HOLES. These two pairs...the first is from Gap and has zippers in the bottom, not one of those things I could get again, but it does give me a clue that maybe their other bootcut curvy short jeans size 7 would fit. But they are like...$45. I got mine on sale for about $10. The other pair is Mavi. The style I got is usually $98, but I got mine on sale for $15 from Macy's. Because I rock at shopping. Macy's sale racks are my friends. The Macy's in MA is HUGE. Hopefully I can get some cheap Free People stuff, too...oh and to add to the gravity of the situation, the Macy's website no longer features Mavi. Maybe I will end up having to fly to Turkey to buy them.
I just finished my Veggie Delight sandwich from Subway. It felt healthy, even though I don't think it was. Now I'm listening to my iPod on shuffle, another fun exercise I've had...Mushaboom-Feist; Camelot-Monty Python; Next 2 You-Buckcherry; Mi chiamo Mimi-Puccini; Lollipop-Mika; With God On Our Side-Bob Dylan. Schveet. I have been told that I have one of the most diverse iPod collections...I even have Basia from the 80s. A one hit wonder--my mom has her CD, and I used to really like it when I was lik 7, so when I got my iPod, I was all, hey, let's listen to this again, and whenever it pops up on my shuffle, I start crackin up, it's so...80s lol.
Half of me is hot and the other half is cold. I have the window heating me on one side (it is currently 100 degrees even outside), and the other half is bearing the full brunt of the air conditioner. I guess I should just grin and bear the heat because the cold is REALLY annoying...
Road trip blogs are so much fun...they remind me of my babysitting blogs, but longer. They are both times when I have time to write down all the thoughts I have. When I sit down to write a blog, it's hard to get stuff to surface..
It's sort of sad how little I write in my diary now that I have a blog...I used to write all the time...I have this really nice one from Israel...actually, the last blog I wrote..I'm going to print it out and paste it in because it really did explain everything well. My diary seems to be more of an outlet. Like, I don't open my diary and tell about my day step by step. That's not a diary, that's a journal, or a log. A diary is for putting the words of anger that you would regret if you said them. It's for going on and on and on and on about somebody you are in love with because your friends and family get bored with you, but you can't stop thinking about them. Your diary is a place to make note of your dreams and aspirations and goals. My diary says "thence" on it in hebrew, which is cool because it's from Israel, so like, from there, get it, get it?
We're 14 miles into Virginia.
I wish I could read peoples' minds.
Northampton has the most fabulous music scene...there is the Calvin theatre which is an actual theatre, there is the Iron Horse, which is a dinner theatre for musicians and stuff, there is The Pines which is an outdoor venue, and some clubs with DJs and whatever. I like the Iron Horse, even though you never know if you will get a good table. I now have a newsletter telling me what new concerts are coming up. Ingrid Michaelson performed at the Iron Horse a week ago, I was crushed that I missed it. The Bird and the Bee are performing in September...Dana Fuchs, who played Sadie in Across the Universe will be there in early September, but I don't even know if I like her music, I just guess that she has amazing stage presence. And that she was great in the movie.
We just went past a place called Spotsylvania. For some reason, my mom does NOT get that that is the coolest name ever.
Driving up Tamiami sipping my caramel frappuccino with an extra shot of espresso (I haven't been sleeping well--no surprise), I leave Sarasota. I see all of the memories. There's the sprint store where I got my first cell phone, the bubble gum pink one that I regret choosing every day. There's the Tiajuana Flats, which is in itself a memory. Here's the turn where would always go to Opera, which I will never take again (at least not for the same reasons). There are the oleanders that I wanted to be buried under until I found out that they only grew in the south, which ruined my plans. Ah. The movie theatre. Home of many good times, and many annoying times, and many boring times. Bad movies, good movies, stupid people, my best friends. All of them. Not that I ever went to the movies that much...sometimes I regret not having more of a social life, but looking back on the past 6 years I spent in Sarasota, I don't regret much...I mean, yes, there were the stupid decisions I made with regard to friends and boys but nothing big. Now we turn away from the main road and go out to pick up our dog out on Fruitville.
There goes the huge disgusting yellow Penske truck, containing the belongings we will need between now and when we move into our real house. It also contains my Father and his best friend, Harvey. Harvey's wife, Joan, rides with us.
This is the first move of it's kind for me. Before this, we left New Jersey, which I was hardly old enough to remember. Then there were those 4 crazy years that were sort of impossible to define...a year of transition, waiting for the boat to be built, then two years of living on a boat (probably one of the most influential experiences of my life--I learned independence), then another year, trying to sell the boat. Then, we moved to Sarasota. For a year, I stuck with home schooling. Maybe that's why the years before I started 4th grade are so confusing. There wasn't much of a structure. I was educated when I or when my parents felt like it. My education was really more of walking through cities in Georgia and Maryland and reading about the history of the settlers and about the civil war (we only took the boat all the way North to Maine once).
It is so damn hot in this car. My whipped cream is starting to melt. So is my mascara.
Anyway, where was I. So yes, I had a year of home schooling while living in FL. After I completed-ish 3rd grade, we decided to go to Goldie Feldman Academy. I went there for two years. It was easy, not very challenging, but a good environment for me to get used to real school and dealing with annoying people in my class. They were hard years. I had a few dysfunctional teachers, whose names will not be mentioned here. I will say that each of them meant well and was nice, just not...whatever. Let me say something about my life regarding school. Everywhere I have gone has been perfect for my time there. It was wonderful for what it was. So by the end of 5th grade, I had grown out of having a 10 person class. It had been a fantastic transition into regular school and I learned a lot, but 10 people? I needed more.
The next chapter was Pine View. It was daunting. I had heard all these tales about how much homework we would have, how hard it would be, but everybody said that it would be a good challenge for me, that I would make it, so I went. I switched from a school of 300 people to a class of 300 people. Looking back at 6th grade is not so fun. It's sort of embarrassing, but I guess it shouldn't be. I mean, I just hadn't figured things out yet. I didn't even bother to figure out who I was, I didn't care yet. It was beautiful oblivion. The day before 6th grade was over, I got myself a boyfriend, but as I learned later, it was only because of pressure from friends.
Then seventh grade, I broke up with him two months in because "things weren't working" but it stands to reason, since we were only in 7th grade. I lost a friendship because of differing preferences and regained an old friend because of class scheduling. I had some not so awesome teachers. Mostly. I was starting the whole self discovery thing, but not...so well. I didn't get it quite yet. I was proud. Correction: I am proud, I have always been proud, and I will probably always be proud, but I was obnoxious and noisy about it. Obnoxious is really the best word for me last year. Again, at the time, it was...not so beautiful oblivion. By the end of the year, some of my close friends were getting frustrated. I talked about myself all the time. Non-stop. It was disgusting. And I was a drama queen. I created an obsession to occupy myself. I mean, it wasn't based off of nothing, but really, it wasn't...alright, I convinced myself I was in love with somebody, when really it was only a slight interest. He happened to be taken, too. Which added to the drama. By the end of the year I started to get that I needed to reform myself.
That summer, I went to Italy and got to know better some of my older Opera friends. I have always been mature, but I think that that trip added to it. Any travel does, it adds to one's knowledge of the world, and to be on a trip with pretty much all people older than me, well...I got much closer to people who up until then had been only acquaintances. Then over the summer, I fell in love again. Not to sound sappy, but to explain my view on love, basically I think that love grows more substantial with experience. You gotta start somewhere, right? My big mistake: I told him. That sort of ruined my life for a month. The entire time, from the end of the summer on, there was the extra pressure of moving. In about November, I started the application to Deerfield. This brought on tension with my parents and bitchiness towards my friends. It was hard, but by December/January (cant remember), it was done. Then we had to start thinking about selling the house. Actually, January through May was good. Yeah, it had it's bumps. in April/May, there was the opera which brought on a huge load of stress. Rehearsals every day, lines to memorize, and missing my 8th grade dinner dance for opening night. It was hard because it was my last production in the Youth Opera. It wasn't hard...it was heart breaking. I spent all my tears on that. I didn't cry at graduation (I did the day after, but that was partially because of...rules), I didn't cry today, the day we moved (I teared up, but never actually cried-I just wanted out). This past year, I lost another friendship (not to the point of the last one, but it grew apart), and grew stronger in another one, got in fights with a third (the one that ended up being so troublesome in September) and made new ones altogether, ones that became so close in so little time, it's shocking to look back at. I had great teachers this year, and I learned a huge amount about everything: myself (I became subtler about expressing my pride although I did slip at times), people (i became more observant), and even regular school subjects. I have never enjoyed grammar (even though it cause my worst grades) or American History as much as I did with Mr. Wolfinger and Dr. Dean.
Reminds me of a song...sort of. Pretty irrelevant, really...
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
Except I'm not scared. I am excited beyond belief. I can't stop smiling, I can;t stop singing. I've been singing music from Chicago all day.
A chapter closes and another begins. A new adventure starts, I set out on a new quest. Before leaving the house for the last time, I stood in my room and collected all of the energy, good and bad, from the space and stored it away in my filing cabinet of experience. At first I wanted to leave behind the bad stuff, but then two thoughts hit me: I don't want to leave it for the people buying our house, and these are things that have formed me and who I am, so why do I need to let go? I can't ever really let go, I just need to adjust their prevalence. So I now have the last 6 years (or three years, depending on how you categorize: middle school or years in FL) stored away deep in me to call upon when I need to make judgement calls, or when I need to reflect upon my life. It will always be with me.
To all of you who knew me and are reading this, I want to thank you. Every single one of you (and yes, I mean each of you) have helped shape me in some way, have affected my life in some way. I will miss you all, even those of you I hate because of this. I wish you good health, good luck, and a good life. If it is meant to be, we will meet again.
Aaaand iiiiit's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun isn't it, Nowadays?
Nowadays....There's men everywhere, Jazz everywhere, booze everywhere, life everywhere, joy everywhere, nowadays....
You can like the life you're living...you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry and mess around with Ike....
Yes. I have had Chicago tunes stuck in my head the entire day. I bought it the other day and watched it and have been listening to the sound track and everything...I love it. Love it.
So first, Mary, Amanda, and I were going to get together and watch Lord of the Rings movies like we did with the Jane Austen movies.
But then Amanda couldnt make it.
So then Mary came over.
And we ate pizza and I clipped magazines.
But then we got bored of the movies we had seen a million times (well, I had, but ironically, she was the one getting bored) so we stopped.
And we sang and recorded ourselves singing along to musicals.
And now I have somebody from the UK analyzing my lingo. Sweet, eh? Yes, you.
That gets me onto the track that I really want to go back to England. I mean, not like I was there for more than four days in London, but now I'm obsessed with all things England. Weird, hm?
Yeah.
woo.
Day 1 of being a High Schooler.
Well that's it! I'm a Freshy!
The past week has been a blur. I have vague memories of doing things, but not anything specific. Yearbooks FINALLY came out on Thursday. I went and got past teachers to sign. I got a HUGE amount of photos. Wednesday was the Opera party. It was sad, but still really fun. Kyle hugged me goodbye about 5 times. Maestro was shocked as I was that it was here already.
I really..my main wish is that I can keep in touch with these people in some way. Everybody I have met in FL has made such an impact on my life and how I am, even the people I don't get to know well, because every personality I encounter, every sentence I hear from somebody, every expression I see, every fact I hear affects the way I am.
So now I am left. It hasn't really kicked in yet that it is summer. Since my school only starts in Spetember, I have about 3 and a half months of no school. It is very exciting.
An overused one, but still one of my favorites: "Living is easy with eyes closed/misunderstanding all you see."
You know, I have cheered up, I think. And no Dan, if you are reading this, it's not to appease you...it's just that what you said--what he said was that I was constantly grumpy, which I feel I have some right to, but seriously, like I said in my last post, all of this crap is going down because of one thing, which is moving. And I have been blamed for having my head in Massachusetts, but the truth is, I dont have it there totally, or else I would be much happier. I have 16 days left in Florida, so why souldn't I enjoy them? I shouldn't be sulking around like I have most of the weekend.
But sheer stupidity does anger me...which I seem to see a lot of these days.
It began Friday night, as every weekend does. Amanda and Mary (both good friends from opera) came over to watch Jane Austen movies and sleep over. They had some trouble finding the movies I didn't have and getting the ice cream. My mom got ice cream, too, so we ended up with four pints of Ben & Jerry's (Imagine Whirled Peace, Peanut Butter Cup, Cake Batter, and Lowfat Half Baked, if you care). That night we watched Pride and Prejudice (the long version with Colin Firth), ate pizza and ice cream. We watched part of Emma, but not much of it because Amanda fell asleep and Mary and I kept dozing off. Which is strange because once we were all ready for bed and our bed (well, a pile of blankets and pillows, really) was made, we were all awake again. So we watched some Lisa Nova videos on Youtube (the Keira Knightley impersonations..."I'm a lemur, I'm a lemur!" "D'you want to play a game, Johnny? Do you want to play Who's Prettier? I'll start. *pause* I'm Prettier!!!") and then went around and told our life stories. Then we slept. The next morning, we woke, had toast and honey and tea for breakfast and watched Sense and Sensibiity while finishing the ice cream. When S and S was over, we painted our nails. Amanda and I shaved our legs. Amanda had a thing to go to, so she got ready. Now let me say about the ice cream--all of it was gone by the end. My parents had about 2/3 of the half baked...the rest we finished around the three of us. That's abit over a pint each if we all had the same amount. Plus pizza.
After they had both left, I packed. How exciting. At 6:30 I met Dani downtown for dinner and a movie. We ate at that little Italian place next to the movie theatre. I had pizza, but it had no cheese, it was just dough covered with tomatoes. I had no idea, it was so strange. I had a sprite with it. Then we went to the movie, which was What Happens in Vegas. It was...sort of--no, really stupid. But cute. It had some very funny bits, and Ashton Kutcher is pretty gorgoeus. And for that sort of genre, he's not a bad actor. I don't know about anthing else, like dramas, but romantic comedy...yeah. After the movie I had lemon gelato with Dani and her mom, and then I went home and packed some more.
The next morning, I woke up a half hour before going out, which I hate doing, and went to communiteen. They had donuts (mini), so I had a bagel with cream cheese and two mini donuts. Same old same old, except that I probably won't be able to go to the last one, so I said good bye to everybody (everybody being Mrs. Weinberger and Mrs. Singer). Then we went to Target where I started crying. I was pretty much miserable for the rest of the day. Mama calls in episodic depression...I lazed around studying, glumly wanting food, but not having any. Except for an alternative bagel (like, the same nutrition ingredients as one of my mom's crazy fiber bread) and an apple. I did more homework. Dinner was two strips of bacon and a spinach pocket.
So yeah, my life is kind of weird right now. I'm in this transition mode which majorly sucks. I currently have a huge pimple on my cheek, some of my best friends are sort of abandoning me (according to my mom so that they dont get hurt when I leave), I am way stressed, and I am eating too much crap and not enough healthy food. I have been getting headaches all week, and have an occasional dizzy spell. THIS ALL SUCKS. The good part of my life is that I am moving to Massachusetts, finally. What's REALLY ironic is that all of the bad is actually being caused by the good. Moving is stressful. My friends want a clean break. It's..bad. But it will be over soon. I can't wait to get up North again...
Post-Hobbit Depression is raging. It's sick. I miss my five-hour-without-a-lunch-break rehearsals.
With my free time, I have been designing my new room, studying for exams, packing, among other things. It's very...final. Sad. Like I said, we leave in 21 days.
A funny thing about me is t
hat sometimes I will have many different things going on in my mind, and one will be important and the others not so much, but I will focus on the unimportant ones. This leaves my parents worrying and fretting over where my priorities are, and leaves me explaining to them how I function (a task which generally leads me to discover something about myself as well). Lately, I have been very talkative about my new room. Here is the plan (out of four that I designed) that I have decided on (see left). The room at the top (without a door) is my bathroom, and the other one is my closet/dressing room. Above the desk on the left side there is a window. The roof (coming in from the top and the bottom) is slanted, and the knee walls (vertical space left over) is a little more than 4 feet. I am really excited about the space. It's proving somewhat difficult to find furniture to go with my somewhat classic look. Turns out the paint color I wanted was custom made. They can't make a sample, so basically we would have had to commit to the entire batch which would have ended up being pretty much a $400 test run. Not so great.
There is a huge load of new movies coming out that I want to see: Mister Foe, Brideshead Revisited, Made of Honor (I don't care if it sucks, I could look at Patrick Dempsey forever), Smart People, Narnia: Prince Caspian, and maybe maybe The Tracey Fragments. It looks like it could suck, but I do love Ellen Page, so.
I just got 4 new books: Northanger Abbey-Jane Austen, Cat's Cradle-Kurt Vonegut, On the Road-Jack Kerouac, and Johnny Got His Gun-Dalton Trumbo. Nobody has ever heard of the last one, but it is for school, and is apparently one of the best anti-war novels ever written, so it was appealing. I recently did my entire myspace page and described myself as "hippie--well more of a beatnik--lets forget the titles and call me earthy." Then I read up (on wiki) about the "Beat" generation, and it seems pretty intense, and what better book to read to learn about it than On the Road (which apparently "defined Beat")? I figure my Dad is a beatnik (hehe) so it's not like I'm stealing some thing I never knew about...
My summer of cleansing, self discovery, reading, tummy eradication, and old movies is about to begin.
I have gotten home at about quarter after nine all week leading up to a show. So tonight was opening night, yesterday we had a day time practice show for students so i skipped school. Today, back at school, I couldn't remember what we had done on Wednesday. I was so lost. And lucky me I get my period this morning, too. So classes suck, and lunch comes along. My two best friends are almost ignoring me. One of them is seeming too high and mighty, and the other doesn't sit at my table anymore. I am trying to figure out whether or not I am justified in being angry that they are not dying to spend time with me when I am moving in 4 weeks. Moving along, we get to English class. For some reason, there was an ice cream truck at school today, so during English, my friend says to my English teacher, "Sarah's majorly hormonal, will you go let her buy some ice cream?" He says yes, so I go buy a pint of Cherry Garcia. I finish about 2/3 of it and the rest is eaten by my friends.
That night, Opera: Everything goes well. Im actually happy, but for the cramps...afterwards, I rush to get out so I can try to catch the last 5 minutes of my school dance. I forget to check for flowers on my way out. My mom reminds me after I am far away from the Opera house, and I start crying because of just EVERYTHING. I get to the dance 3 minutes late. I didn't win best dressed, the girl who wears boring clothes does. That's all.
About the award: it's not that it even matters, but I sort of hoped that maybe by getting my name called in the middle of a dance for notables, i would be remembered more. Im really scared of being forgotten.
Click if you haven't read Part 1.
Tuesday: Leave the hotel early-ish, make a stop at the Bahai gardens. The Bahai religion (if I remember correctly) believes that all major prophets in religions were valid prophets. Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, all valid. Don't quote me on that, and that's as far as my knowledge goes. Anyway, at their shrine, they have surrounded it with these gardens, which are absolutely amazing. That's looking down. We didn't get to go beyond the first few levels because only members of the Bahai faith could go all the way UP. If we had started at the bottom and gone down, we could have seen the whole thing, but we didn't. So after that, we began the drive to Tzfat. We went through the Golan, which was quite nice. We saw the Sea of Galilee from the road. It was really pretty. We stopped at this "Peter's Fish" Place where the food was pretty not good, so I didnt eat much. Nice view of the lake, though. That night, we got into Tzfat. It is the center for Jewish Mysticism in Israel. There are four cities in Israel that stand for the four elements: Jerusalem=Fire, Tiberias=Earth, Eilat=Water, and Tzfat=Wind. It is so true. The streets we wandered were all these sort of back alley ways, with stairs going up to higher levels, and houses on all sides, and there were evening prayers going on while we were out, so all the synagogues were buzzing with prayer and energy. At one point, we went to a little art gallery. The guy working there was awesome. He talked about how when you walk around at night in Tzfat, you feel the intensity of the spirituality. He said it was really magical. I totally got it. We were walking around and it was almost as if the air around me was vibrating. Actually, this same guy from the gallery told us that we should go check out some of the Synagogues. We went to only one, but it was intense. It was, of course, segregated (men and women) and it was my first time in a women's section of an Orthodox temple. So we were sitting there, and watching the guys below praying. There was one other woman up in the balcony with us. Both mom and I picked up on a nearly palpable energy buzz in there. We talked about it afterwards. It (in the synagogue, and just being it Tzfat in general) was one of the two really intense hits of Godly energy that I got in Israel. I had falafel that night for dinner. It was really good. Oh, and our hotel room was adorable. My favorite one on the trip. Gorgeous view, biggest bathroom we had the entire time, and a REAL BED.
Wednesday: We leave early (the breakfast wasn't that fantabulous), and head out through the Golan again on our way to Jerusalem. It was really beautiful, again, of course. The area used to be occupied by Syria, but Israel chased them out. Not without a fight. We stopped at a memorial for a kibbutz (communal farm) that was completely destroyed by syrian missiles twice. Apparently there are some who claim that they practically had to raise a generation of children in bomb shelters. When the Syrians were chased out, they left all these land mines, and since not all of them have been found, Israeli army is going through the area foot by foot to clear them all out. In the mean time, there are wire fences around areas they have not checked with yellow 
signs on them saying not to go there for danger of stepping on a mine. It's strange because here you are in this beautiful countryside, and then you see one of those signs, and it gets somber. There is a lot of that type of thing in Israel... We stopped at a memorial for the area in the valley below us. There was a kibbutz (communal farm) that was destroyed twice by the Syrians. So that night we drive more and more. We drove through the West Bank which was nerve wracking for my parents, but I really felt totally comfortable. It was intense seeing the like...5 barbed wire fences on the border with Jordan. So we got into Jerusalem that afternoon. Wanted to go see these Chagall windows where apparently my grandparents' names are on a wall for donating to Hadassah (which built the hospital that the windows are in), but turned out we went to the wrong hospital. Their names were there anyway, though. Then we got to our hotel, had a bite to eat at the restaurant at our hotel, and then headed out. By the way, our hotel was a YMCA. It was gorgeous on the outside and in the lobby, but the rooms were, as mom put it, one step above a hostel. The beds were uncomfortable, and the room was boring. It was large, though. We had more space than we had had in any hotel before it. So on our first evening out, we went to Ben Yehuda, which is sort of a downtown pedestrian mall type place. Lots of jewelers, lots of little shops along the sides, lots of street performers, lots of restaurants. We went to a fantastic little restaurant tucked away into an alley called Adom. I got a burger. It was totally amazing. My favorite part was this aioli that they had...SO good! They served it with the bread, and i practically jumped for joy when I saw that it was on my burger, as well.
Thursday: Today we had a guided tour. Private tour guide. British, not exactly...kindly, but very funny, brisk, but smart, and she definitely knew what she was doing, and knew a lot about where she took us. We started out by going up the tower of our hotel. Usually, one couldn't go up, but because our guide used to work at the YMCA we stayed at, we could go. Then we went to see how the line was for getting into the Dome of the Rock. It was VERY long, so we didn't do that. We instead decided to go down to the old City of David. You see, where David made Jerusalem the Capital was not actually inside the walls of the present day Old City. They are excavating it, and we got to see what they have so far, including some tunnels and such. Then we went to the wall. It was really awesome, but I didn't feel THAT much. I prayed, but I prayed FOR something...You will understand later in the post. We went and got lunch real quick, right near by, and then headed back for the tour of the tunnels. See, they have done a lot of excavation of the wall. It goes way below what we actually see today, and they have created a tour to show what they have found so far. It was really cool. Then we went shopping. We went through the Muslim, Jewish, and Christian quarters. We saw this Armenian pottery shop in the Christian quarter. It was really gorgeous. Also, we went to a few of the stations of the cross, the ones we happened upon. For an afternoon break, we went to the Austrian hospice, which was one of my favorite parts. Not to sound shallow, but let me have a shallow moment for a sec: the guy working there was SERIOUSLY fantastically good looking. So anyway, we had coffee and struedel. As we left, the older (but still quite energetic) woman working there did a little magic trick type thing where I chose a sugar packet and she somehow made it seem as though a little gummy candy came out of the packet. It was so cute. Made me feel like a little girl again, but in a good way. I think I might have blushed...can't remember. Anyway, we then headed to the Church of the Holy Sepulcre, which was pretty intense. Not much to say, though. I enjoyed it, but not as much as some of the gothic cathedrals in France. it felt so...not commercialized, but there were so many people, it was impossible for me to really get a vibe from it. We then parted ways with our tour guide and went to another restaurant called Chakra: another fantastic meal. I started with asparagus in a parmesan sauce, which was to die for, and then had a goat cheese ravioli with a really simple but delicious tomato sauce. I swear, some of the best food I have ever had in my life was in Israel, Jerusalem specifically. We walked home and went to bed.
Friday: We went to Yad Vashem today. If you don't know, this is the big Holocaust memorial/Museum right outside of Jerusalem. We had quite an experience with the cab driver...we had been warned to make them turn on the meter, to not let them convince us to pay the permanent fare. So we ge into this cab, and Dad yells at him to turn on the meter. Mom asks for the map to make sure he doesn't take us a long way. Once we get out, Dad pays him, and the cab driver is all, get out of my cab, i never want to see you again. I mean, he took the money, of course, but he was PISSED. So anyway, Yad Vashem. It was...i know I use this word a lot, but for lack of a better one, it was intense. They went through chronologically, and by the end I was so worn out...I didn't cry, though. I wasn't burdened, exactly, either. I saw it less as a depressing reminder, but almost as a...I don't even know how to explain it. It was depressing, yes. It was horrible. The videos of survivors were chilling. But I wasn't depressed coming out of it. I saw it more as a...look at this. All this happened. An entire government was out to kill us all (us being Jews, among others, but being Jewish, that's what I thought of), and what happened? We survived. Sure, our numbers were greatly decreased, but we still survived. We did this. We can do it again, if need be, God willing we will never need to. Afterwards, we decided to go to the market for the "affirmation of life" as Mom put it. It certainly worked. As it was a Friday afternoon, everybody was preparing for Shabbat. The market was packed. It was so much fun.
For lunch, I had a wonderful fried haloumi (cheese) sandwich. As we walked on, we got some bread, cheese, and nuts for a picnic dinner in front of our TV in the hotel room (we needed a break).
Saturday: We met up with Sid and Leah at the Old City today. We walked through the Armenian quarter, and then went back down to the Wall for a last hit. This time I didn't pray for anything. I just...stood there and sort of meditated on all the devotion around me. Since it was Shabbat morning, lots of people were there. All these women praying..it was intense. I slowly got more and more sucked in, until at one point I sort of woke up from a daze, and found myself COMPLETELY pressed against the stone, at all points of my body, as if I wanted it to absorb me. It was intense. This (along with Tzfat) were my two intense hits. After this we wandered through the Muslim quarter (it was actually open..) and did some shopping. Then we went out for yet another hummus-and-pita-lunch-with-Sid-and-Leah. Then we parted ways, and the three of us went back to the hotel room and chilled out for a while. Nothing would have been open, so why bother wandering around, right? As the sun went down, we went out. We went back to Ben Yehuda. We had no idea where we would eat, but we just sort of wandered around. There was so much going on. There was a group of Chasidim dancing with a flag that said "Moshiach" (Messiah) on it. There were drummers. Street performers. It was really fun. But that was only the beginning. We went to a cafe called Cafe Rimonim. I guess I had been having a bad night, or was in a bad mood or something because I remember mom making me get a milkshake to make me feel better. Cookies and Cream. SO GOOD. So slowly, as we sat there eating (or in my case gulping), we saw the city slowly come alive again after being so still for Shabbos. We walked around some more. It was so crowded...I loved it. This might have been my favorite night...finally, around midnight, we walked back to the hotel and crashed.
Sunday: We got up and caught a (much more pleasantly driven) cab to the Israel museum where we saw the Shrine of the Book, which is where some of the Dead Sea scrolls are displayed, and where it gives all the information we have about those who wrote them. It was really interesting, although it did get a bit boring after a while. It was an awesome day, really windy, sort of overcast, rained a bit occasionally. My hair looked awesome.. So anyway, we saw that and then we sat in the gardens for a while and looked at the sculpture until we met up with Miriam in the garden. Miriam was my Hebrew school teacher last year. The cooles one I had, pretty much the reason I went every week (I didn't go every week, but if I did it was because of her). It was really great to see her again. So the four of us went to see the scaled down version of what they believe the Second Temple looked like, and then we went to this art display they had going. Miriam and I sort of split from my parents and most of the time just sat and chatted about life. About everything, really. Moving, school, acting, boys, friends, parents, life. It was great to catch up. I loved it because I almost felt like I was talking to my equal. I mean, not in experience, of course, but it was like, our age difference hardly mattered. I felt totally comfortable talking about everything. So afterwards, she took us to this little bookshop/cafe in the upstairs of a building for an early dinner before we caught our flight out. I had spaghetti with parsley, roasted garlic (apparently I smelled the entire trip home), and olive oil with two little cakes of sun dried tomato ricotta on top. Like I said, some of the best food ever in Jerusalem...The cafe was totally adorable. The four of us got to chat a lot. It was really relaxed and nice. Mom mentioned how the trip began and ended with Miriam: she was the one who sort of put the idea in our heads that we should go, and she was the last person we met with before leaving. It was bittersweet saying goodbye, but we might see her this summer, and I am quite certain that our paths will cross again at some point. So then we finished packing (all the last bits) and got on a shuttle to the airport. Now, Ben Gurion is known to have some of the best security in the world, and I don't doubt it, but what I found impressive was that they really didn't do that much. Our bags weren't searched in front of us. We had to go through metal detectors, of course, and out bags were scanned, but there really wasnt much other than that, and we got through really fast. Somebody on mom's travel boards said that at that airport, they don't search luggage, the check people. We did have a man come over and ask us questions about why we visitted, who we saw, where we had been, etc etc. Really, it was the easiest security I have ever been through, but my faith in there ability isn't tarnished at all. I hold them in the highest respect, and think they must have something down since it is considered so safe to fly through there. ANYWAY enough about security. We sat for a while in the lounge, and then got on a plane home. It was sad. I didn't really want to leave. I slept a lot more on the plane ride back. Watched..Dan in Real Life, Enchanted, and Becoming Jane, again. James McAvoy is fantabulous. So we got home at 9ish on Monday morning, and I pretty much lazed around and did homework the rest of the day. And that was that.
I want my own responsiblities. I want to cut loose. I want to live off of my own efforts. I want to pay my own bills. I want to make my own money with my mind, with my effort. I don't want to owe anybody anything for providing food for me or giving me a roof to sleep under.
When I get there, I might hate it, but right now, I want anything that goes along with freedom and responsibility to myself only.
I want to fast forward to like, 18 or 20 or something. It's not just for the partying, or the staying up late, or the crashing a friend's house for the night just because I feel like it. It's for being my own boss, and not having to stake my freedom on whether or not I make a call every hour. I want to be able to (hypothetically) make the decision for myself about whether or not I cross the street to Starbucks, without getting in trouble for not notifying somebody. And I understand it to a point, and I know it's technically for my own good, but can I not make decisions like that for myself? Am I that incompetent? And aren't I too selfish (for better or for worse) to let anything bad happen to me?
Unbelievably. Horribly. Grumpy. I have a terrible headache, I just got kicked off the TV and I probably ate entirely too much Macaroni and Cheese, or so my mom said. Oh, and certain persons who happen to live under my roof seem to be convinced that I am in a terrible mood because I watched a few movies this afternoon. On low volume. While I did homework (busywork, not the real stuff). And I called my Grandmother today, and I lifted some weights, and I made lunch for myself. And i cleaned up afte myself when I made lunch for myself. I did not waste my day. Instead I get to get ahead on homework for the week! Wahoo.
I hope to God above that this is PMS.
I figured that the Israe blog isn't really...explaining how I am doing right NOW. So anyway, here are some random phrases that are going down right now.
Live upside down, right side up, backwards, left, right, forwards, up and down. All at the same time. [if any of you caught any missed directions, let me know.]
I love Opera. I really do. But the way it affects everything else in my life is...crazy. I still have those hours of happiness, so I won't quit. I find it difficult to imagine my life without the Sarasota Opera House.
I'm sort of lonely, but that's old news. And yeah, I mean like boyfriend like but the worst is that my two bestest buddies let me for a damned journalism conference in Tampa. I had to go ONE AND A HALF WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT THEM! (wait. one and a half WHOLE days? That makes no sense...wahtever.)
I didn't do so great on that Midsummer Night's Dream test, did I...
DUDE! I have to take a shwoere so I van get foodz for lunch break today!
Opera staging rehearsals are kicking in.
There is a Midsummer Night's Dream test this afternoon. I thought I would be missing that class because of a rehearsal, and thus not have to take it until monday, but it turns out that I had my call time wrong for the rehearsal, so I will have to take it...
I got back home at like quarter of 9 last night, fought with my parents, sat around feeling sorry for myself, worked with my email which isn't working, and then finished reading MSND, well part of it, finally going to bed at 11:30, and getting to sleep around 12.
This morning, I woke up at 5:40 to finish reading. I finished reading, then I went back to sleepish until 7, then got out of bed and did Math homework, then realized that I left my comp book at Opera, then I got ready for school and left and studied for French on the bus.
Like I said. Crazy. I have rehearsals. EVERY day until 8:30. Then I have homework and stuff, it's so insane.
But here's the deal: In my day, I have a few hours of incandescent happiness, but then the rest of the time I am completely stressed by what the stuff I have to do, and the things I miss and the sleep I lose BECAUSE of those hours of rehearsals that I love so much.
So I know it's crazy late, but here it is:
Wednesday: Go to school as usual, but take off early to catch a plane to Atlanta. Get to Atlanta, go to First class lounge because we were flying First class or Business elite the whole way. Do some shopping, fall in love with a Longchamp bag at the Duty free store, but unfortunately, it's a grand total of $665. Get on the plane to Tel Aviv, watch 4 movies: Dan in Real Life, Juno, and two others I cannot remember. oh yeah, Elizabeth: The Golden Age.
Thursday: Get in at 4 O'Clock, pciked up at the Airport by dad's friend Sydney. He takes us to our awesome modern hotel, the Melody Hotel in Tel Aviv to check in, and then to his apartment a few blocks away for dinner with his girlfriend. It was simple, pasta with meat sauce, but we were all exhausted and jet lagged, and just being in their company was wonderful. I hadn't seen them in years. Then we walked home and slept. And slept. And slept.
Friday: We slept in, then got up and walked to Sydney and Leah's appartment, then walked with them to the Yemenite Market. It was only a taste of what was to come, but it was still amazing for my first market experience.
There's Papa being strange, but the general crowds in the background give you a pretty good idea of how it was. Wrestling through the crowds, and all the smells of the raw meat, the spices, the sweets and candies. For lunch we stopped at this little cafe that sold only drinks and 3 different kinds of hummus: hummus plain, hummus with foul (a fava bean puree), and hummus with pine nuts. Then you get plates of pita bread and just dig in. Again, this was just the beginning of a legacy of little hummus cafes at lunch time, but this was probably the best one we went to. It was really difficult to find. Tucked back behind some chicken vendors, etc. Then that night, we walked with Sid and Leah to a restaurant caleld Agenda. It was sort of like..tappas, but not. You started out with a bunch of little middle eastern salads and some falafel (again the best falafel I had) and then you ordered a kebab. We did not order such delicacies offered as the turkey testicle kebab or the mutton fat kebab, but stayed with the ever traditional lamb, chicken, or beef kebab. Then we walked home and slept again.
Saturday: We got picked up (late) by a mini bus thing, then got dropped off at a bus station where we transferred to a larger tours by Egged bus. We were going to Masadah and the Dead Sea. The dirve out to Masadah was beautiful, and the diversity was amazing. We would go from green to brown to tan to a green Kibbutz, or farm, in the middle of a dessert. There was the dead sea on one side and huge brown cliffs on the other side. Masadah was really amazing. It was a mesa shaped rock where the Jews hid out as a last resort from the Romans attacking the rebels of the Bar Kokhba rebellion. As they knew that the romans were coming, the leader decided that they would rather die than go into slavery. He organized it so that all the men would kill their wives and children, and then they drew lots in some way to determine who would have to kill both a friend and himself. When the Romans arrived, they only found dead bodies and a few women and children who explained what had happened. The story is heroic. The place is...well it was really hot that day, but it was still really cool and I would have loved it BUT: our tour guide walked with a cane, and that made doing Masadah very difficult, so she hurried us through, explaining things briefly. We never got a chance to wander around on our own, and suddenly, there we were in the bus again on our way to a spa by the dead sea. She skimped on masadah, this amazing site so that we would have 2 and a half hours at the spa. The SPA. Obviously, we had no choice. We go to the spa, put our stuff in lockers, changed into bathing suits, and took the tram down to the...sea side. If you could call it that. As you walked down to the water, the beach was MADE of salt. We of course went and got in the water and floated. It was so cool. Walking out was difficult because your legs would start to rise up and it would be hard to get them back down. Once I was down (I finished before Mom and Dad), I went to shower off and then tried to dry off a bit. By this time, Mom and Dad were ready to go too. We then went up to the black mud station. This was probably my favorite part of the day. So because the Dead Sea is the lowest place on earth, all the water and salt flow down to there, which is why there is such a high concentration of salt. Along with the salt come the Minerals. The area is FAMOUS for the minerals. The Skin care company Ahava is based right around there. So at the spa, they have these big bins of black mud that you take and slather all over your body. It is way cool. It makes your skin soft and apparently is good for your hair (although I didn't notice much of a difference). So you put it all over you, or wherever you want to put it and then you sit in the sun to let it bake on for a while. Then, you wash it off with sulfur water. It stung like a betch, but the results were awesome. So then we just wandered back up, showered off, changed, and got back on the bus to go back to Tel Aviv. We got home that night, feeling gross and exhausted, but altogether happy. We had dinner with Sid and Leah.
Sunday: I wake up, feeling gross. Then I go back to sleep. Then, I wake up again and start throwing up. It was a nasty day. We were going to go to the Museum of the Diaspora, but since I was..sick...we didn't...here's a picture mom took...
Crazy, isn't it? At about noon, we started the drive (all five of us, but different cars) to Haifa. On the way, we stopped at Caesaria where my parents got out and walked around while I stayed in the car. Then we go to Haifa. Haifa is this amazing city on a hill. One's social status in this city is based on how high on the hill you live, which i found somewhat entertaining. We pulled in at our hotel and checked in and chilled out for a while but then the adults decided to go out to dinner while I stayed at home and ate butter crackers, pringles, cookies and like two bottles of coca cola and watched Ocean's 13 and a documentary on The Beatles, with slight focus on John Lennon. Then I slept. And all was well.
Monday: I woke up feeling much better. We decided to go to Akko, a medieval, mostly Arab city with lots of Crusader ruins. It was pretty fun. We went into the underground city and walked through the narrow tunnel (which mom backed out of--claustrophobia). I got some nice pictures, but nothing THAT exciting.We did spend a fair amount of time there, however. There was a small alley, a little shuk and only two shops were open. They said that because of all the bombings etc. tourism was practically down to nothing, and that all the other shops (at maximum, the shuk might have held about 20 shops) had closed. It was actually quite sad. We drove back to the hotel, left Sid and Leah to drive back to Tel Aviv, rested a bit, and then left to walk to a chinese restaurant that turned out to be terrible.
Now, a word about Haifa. It is amazing, specially at night. Because of the fact that it's on a hill, when you look down from the upper level, Carmel, at night, it is just this...sea of lights. And you can see the Medterranean with all the docks and boats...it's absolutely fantastic.
Yeah. I'm packing for Israel (or should be...) I'm really excited, but not about the 14 hour flight there...
I found out recently that I will have to miss my 8th Grade graduation dance...it's you know like the equivalent of prom for us, but guess what? I have an OPERA to be in. I absolutely do not want to quit opera, but it still sucks. I might be able to be back at school for the last hour at best. And then the next day when I usually have friends to the matinee performance and then back to my place for a party...it's the same day as the class trip, so I will have to ask people to choose between me and Busch Gardens. (although from what I hear, most will go with me, yay. Also, because I am leaving a day too early, I won't be able to dissect an eyeball OR a brain in Bio. That would've made my YEAR. I was so looking forward to it.
And to top it all off, I have a rug burn.
But Israel..hopefully will help me forget about all of this. It's such a conflicting set of emotions...excitement, fear, annoyance, sadness...
I'll be glad to get away. And to somewhere awesome.
To any of you reading this that believe in God, say a prayer for me. Not that I'm all dim and depressed about this, but Israel...it is a...sorta you know..dangerous place to be, in some areas, and at some times...I really doubt anything will happen, but...you know, just as a backup net. Thanks.
That's basically how it's working. I'm not really doing anything organized, just sort of absorbing things where they pop up. I pieced together some of my thoughts though to form an idea about the spiritual universe: it's all different contortions and densities of energy. By that, I mean that a) it can be twisted into negativity, positivity, anything and b) it comes in different levels. My example for density is the same as my sketchy blueprint of my idea of God: God is the most dense being. God is an ever replenishing body of energy, and if a human were ever to reach such a state through meditation or something, they would just...explode into the Void, whereas humans, crystals, healing herbs, protective symbols, they all have lesser amounts of energy. And this energy, this Qi, this Dust (reference to the Phillip Pullman books, "The Golden Compass", "The Subtle Knife", and "The Amber Spyglass", great books, go read them), whatever you want to call it is the intangible thing that every religion worships and respects. It's the binding, the common thread throughout all religion. I know this is totally jumpy and rambling, but another bit about God, about what would happen to you if you did reach that high an energy level (these are quotes from my diary, so I am reading and making it shorter and more explanatory for my readers): One would be overwhelmed to a state of nearly nothingness from the sheer and literal "grace of God".
I am really looking forward to going to Israel. More so than before because of an idea I just came up with. I'm going to this place where God is like...I dunno for me, in a way Jerusalem and God are somewhat synonymous...not that that's the only thing thought about in Jerusalem, it's just such a religious confluence of God worshipping people and that made no sense, but I think it made myself clear haha. So anyway, my new thing is that I am looking for God in nooks and crannies, which basically means that I am living life normally, except that I am stretching a little further into the little corners to see what I can pick up. Like I said at the beginning.
Guys, I am so sorry I am like repeating myself and rambling. I had a frappucino with a shot of espresso, I am in a high from piecing together my ideas about Energy, AND I am having moods swings these days, so all of these combines are like...my typing is...insane. Just yeah.
So anyway, back to less metaphysical concepts: I have a new addiction to lounge music from either modern times (meaning contemporary lol) or from the 60s. Like, 60s french lounge music. *love* So I am putting together a playlist of lounge, comment me with recommendations if you have any thanks.
Back to the God thing, I am so happy I put this together. Like I said, it sort of has me on a high. For the past few weeks since I had my one sided talk with God, I have been...frustrated, and angry, which really shouldn't be how it is. In this book I am reading, Eat, Love, Pray, the writer is hanging out with a Balinese medicine man who tells her that to meditate in the Balinese way, one must not be serious like the Indian Ashram was. Not that that is a bad thing, you just need a balance of the serious and the joyous. The wonderful example the medicine man gave to the writer was "Smile in your liver." I am feeling guilty that I am not totally happy in this search for God. I guess it's because I am impatient, which is something I need to deal with. I need to get over myself. God will not be rushed! haha. So I am only now realizing that I can't be frustrated with myself if I can't find God in a matter of days. It's a lifelong search for some people; others never really find out, but enjoy the quest anyway. Sort of like that saying, It's not the destination, it's the journey or whatever.
I love how this book has inspired me to go figure out all of this stuff.
And tonight I had a nice long chat over takeout chinese with my dad about this stuff. I have never done that before, and it felt great, like somebody is in my side (sorry, Dan, but you don't believe in this stuff, so you're not exactly as supportive as one could be. I love you.).
OK, Lost is almost on, I gotta go.
The title is pretty self explanatory. FCAT was today, will be tomorrow, and was Tuesday and Wednesday last week. They really drag it out which is INSANE. I have resorted to counting things in the Gym. Bleacher rows, ventilation slits, litlle bumps on the air conditioning piping, stuff like that.. The weather today walking from FCAT to math class was gorgeous though. Sunny, but not too sunny, and windy. A bit too cold in the shade, a bit too warm in the sun. Perfect. At lunch, however, it got a little bit too hot. Maybe that was because my friends and I were running around pretnding we were making a silent movie...I made a batch of peach iced tea because it felt proper. It's cooling right now as I type. It was St. Patty's Day today. Hence the green text. Here's my outfit...it's the green tights part, obviously..
Cute yah? I also wore green eyeshadow...from the quad i will tell you about...
Let's see, where were we...I guess that's it. OH WAIT I have a shopping victory to report:
The other day, during the open house, mom and I went to TJ Maxx. There they had a set of Clinique Happy To Be Perfume (a full bottle, and a travel size spray) and an eyeshadow quad, all packaged for $22. It's great because they are all very light spring/summer scents, and the e/s colors are perfect to move me into spring and out of my charcoals and bronzes of winter lol...
so that's that. and mom bought us a Madeleine Peyroux CD. She's fabulous, go listen to her myspace page.
I got the acceptance letter today! It was...reassuring. I really did expect it, but still, to have it on paper and all is nice. It was annoying that it totally overshadowed my acting performance monologue thing tonight..Dan rode the bus with me and then watched and then we had dinner afterwards. At the tapas place. It was fun.
I feel sort of guilty for not being totally ecstatic.
Saw it this afternoon with Melody and Mama. Very pretty. Loved the costumes..
It must be hard to understand if you either haven't read the book or if you don't know the history. It was pretty though..I think Scarlett Johansson was better for that type of part than Natalie but I LOVED watching her "ensnare" Henry. That whole...thing. "Let them think they are in control."
Overall, an average movie. Did make me cry, but that doesn't mean much. I cry at most movies these days..
I spent the afternoon with Dan at Barnes and Noble. We looked at books and magazines, drank coffee (I got a caramel frappuccino with an espresso shot--totally amazing), and talked about God, existance, religion, psychology, and philosophy. It brough up the need I have been feeling for a while of getting a clear idea about who MY God is. For me. And also to basically develop opinions on life and existance and all of those good things. Such an enterprise requires me to form an opinion on all kinds of concepts. Oh, and I want to start meditating. I am at the section of Eat Pray Love where the writer is at and Ashram in India. She meditates, chants, and cleans almost all day every day. She talks about what she finds out about God for herself and how she is getting in touch with herself and all these things and the whole time I'm thinking I want to do that. Obviously, I can't just pick up my life and go to an Ashram in the middle of nowhere in India for four months but I can meditate, and read, and work towards enlightenment. I want to go to Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. I want to meditate with mantras. I want to do all of this. It was this crazy yearning. I want to feel that power I felt on Yom Kippur this past year when I was about to pass out from hunger but couldn't have, even if i wanted to because something not entirely "myself" was keeping me up. Also, I think meditation would be great for balancing out my emotions and everything for Deerfield.
I want--no I need a full understanding of myself and my surroundings. I YEARN for that. And I will have it. Eventually.
Dudes. So many people read. It was crazy. I think I might send it out again. I had all kinds of comments discussing all the mini philosophical posts...It was great. But the posts were so...not. They were crude, I suppose. They grew better as I grew older I think. I mean, I did have a few great posts, but...this comment made me laugh me bottom off:
Here is the post:
the reason I should never be president is because today I had a political problem with something at my school and I ended up in tears.
It isnt fair when something is going wrong and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, especially if you are the in the right on that one. I mean, there is NOTHING I can do. I might as well not worry about it. Summer is almost here, I will be able to relax.
Hopefully.
Pray that you never have to deal with something like this. It is not the worst of the worst, but it's pretty bad...
And Melody's Comment:
the reason u should never b president is bc u might get shot by a jealous wife bc her husbands gets aroused everytime he hears u say "weapons of mass destruction"
bwahaha.
Its funny. I get this strange feeling when I listen to the Old Grey's song (Cosy in the Rocket). It's like, aahh, that's what it USED to be...it makes me feel good. Isnt that the WEIRDEST thing? Reminds me of this summer when I spent a week watching Season 2 with Melody and my Mom, eating popcorn and crying over love. Haha.
Possible house. Not actually built yet. Thoughts?
I feel a bit like a [insert word from Miracle Worker] freak. Here I am at babysitting, and what did I bring with me? My knitting, the rest of the [Insert word for chunk of yarn here] of yarn that I have to untangle, a book, my French work. The only redeeming item I brought with me is my MacBook. At least I have some…bit of that “chic, sit-in-a-coffee-sho-typing-on-my-macbook-sipping-a-cappucino, urbanite” aura. I don’t think I mentioned that before--the other day, I was talking to three of my friends, only one of which I have had relatively deep discussions with, and they all pegged me for that type of Carrie Bradshaw-esque (sex and the city) person. That’s how I sort of hope to be in college, or even late high school; nobody had ever mentioned it before. I recounted this story to Dan, and also told him that I thought it funny that the girls I don’t know well totally pegged that and talked about it, whereas the people I knew really well never said a word of it. Dan replied: “Well, of course we don’t mention it. It goes without saying. That’s just who you are.” It feels good to have the way you see yourself be the same as what the people around you see you as. Confidence building. It tells you that you aren’t fooling yourself into thinking you are a certain way. Which is great for me these days. A nice change, you know?
So where was I? Oh right, freak. Anyway, knitting? I pulled it out in Bio the other day (we finished early) and I got a combination of odd looks and laughter. Not laughter at me, just chuckling at my..something. I forgot what she said. Cute maybe. Am I supposed to be rejoicing because I am considered cute when I knit? Whatever. Better than mockery. Even then I wouldn’t care. I love knitting. My scarf is hideous though. Lumpy, with holes where I dropped stitches, and strings hanging off where the yarn broke and I had to tie two pieces together. It is my first in a while, so I guess it’s understandable…the next one will be loads better. Yay.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This book is amazing. As I was rushing out the door to meet the woman I was babysitting for, I was trying to hastily make a decision as to which book I was going to bring: Under the Tuscan Sun, or Eat, Pray, Love. Both of them seem sort of similar…self discovery and adventure when traveling in a new country, but somehow I tend to think that Eat, Pray, Love (the one I ultimately chose) will be…deeper. Both will be read eventually.
I have been thinking about what I will do with my time this summer. Last summer, I just sort of coasted through. And by coasting, I mean sitting up until all hours in my room watching Grey’s Anatomy, Season 2 twice. It depressed me; I have a dark room. I can’t go into a new crazy intense school, into High School, with that kind of attitude behind me. I have decided that it will be a cleansing, relaxing, and enlightening summer. I will complete my reconstruction of myself. The things that pop out to me when I think about this are: reading books on my book list (specifically ones that will probably not be read at a sophisticated prep school, for example, Under the Tuscan Sun), watching all the old movies I want to watch in order to find my cinematic inspiration, and losing 10-15 pounds. I will probably end up cutting that number back to 5-10 when the times come, but every bit helps.I have an image of myself getting all these movies and watching them while on the treadmill in the basement. I mean, we have to get all the movies, and the treadmill first, but whatever, we’ll do it. Then I will sit down, have some iced tea, and read a good book. I will also learn to sew my own clothes, go blueberry picking, and create a new wardrobe for school. Dan will be coming to camp with me. His parents will send him up early so that I can show him around Northampton. That should be fun. I told him I would take him blueberry picking.
I was thinking about what we talked about, with the impulsiveness thing. And I realized that it’s not that im not impulsive. I just plan my weirdnesses…ok. That made no sense, I admit it. Let’s change impulsive to…adventurous? Quaintly adventurous…that will have to do for now. Here’s what I mean: Jen will see a tree and say, “I want to climb that tree.” Then she will do it. I will think to myself, “Wouldn’t it be fun to climb that tree? But it would be bad, that’s city property. I’ll wait until I’m back at my uncle’s house in the country to climb trees.” I see beading stores across the street and decide to make necklaces. I got blueberry picking. It’s not like I live a frigid life, doing homework, practicing music. I mean, yes, sometimes that is almost all my day consists of, but that is also partially my inability to drive to said blueberry farm. No, I would not just jump into a lake with all my clothes on if I happened upon a lake. But I would consider it. I’d think twice.
I know what to call it: Cautiously adventurous.
Sometimes I feel like I am one big oxy moron. Sometimes with emphasis on moron.
Last night, Jen came over. We had pizza and cookies, watched Shakespeare in Love (which always makes me cry), and then I sewed a pillow while she worked on untangling my yarn. We talked about life. And everything. What we wanted to do, where we were going emotionally.
Today was amazing. It was the craziest mix of anger, frustration, channeling creativity, blistered feet, and oddities.
I was angry this morning. I had to practice a double session of cello, which I hate doing. I did well though. It was actually great. I made a breakthrough witht these mordents--I dont know if you know what mordents are...just trust that it is good. Once I finished practicing and cleaning my room, I went over to Dan's house.
We walked to St. Armands. I was in new shoes, which killed. On the way, we had the first of two very intriguing conversations. "Does the thought ever cross your mind that you won't be an actress, that you'll fall in love with some guy, drop out of school, get pregnant and live as a housewife for the rest of your days?" He asked. And the answer I came up with was so...right that it still is sort of turning around in my mind. I'm too..selfish, really. I can't think of a less harsh word..but I would never let my ambitions be but aside. I am too proud to let go like that.
We got ice cream at Kilwins. I got Cookies and Cream with Sour gummy worms. It would have been disgusting together, but I wanted each one, and each was available to me. I just ate the worms first and then the ice cream. Then we walked along for a while. Once we stopped on a bench, and across the street, Dan pointed out a beading shop. "Do you want to make a necklace?" I said. He agreed, so off we went.
It was the cutest little shop. Really funky decor, but still clean looking. You got little trays and paper to keep track of everything. I got stuff to make two necklaces.
Dr. Bateyko has prescribed as thus. No idea if that is the right grammar but whatever. The past few days have been sort of crazy. This whole transition state is still getting to me. I hate not being in one place or the other. I mean, I am in one place, but it's like, I don't really feel a connection anymore since I know I'm leaving.
I'm totally psyched about my acting showcase, though. It's in two weeks. I'm doing two monologues, one from Antigone, and one from The Fantasticks. I finally made a break through about some timing in the Fantasticks. It's funny about Acting Class: I went in having had a miserable day, with a headache, kind of angry at the world in general, and after I figured things out and got up and loosened up and spoke a bit (well, after I shook off the stiffness of the day), I felt fine. I mean, there was a lingering of dissatisfaction, but other than that, it was great. I had a wonderful time doing improv and then I had an OK evening which was only made better by terriyaki sate chicken stuff from Morton's.
So, looking forward to chocolate, blankets, and movies at Dan's this weekend. Oh, and Jen coming over Friday night. Should be an exciting weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's when you snag your hand on a rusty nail when you realize life sucks, but reguardless of the pain, you won't bleed forever."
Anonymous
“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
Denis Leary
And one I just really liked:
"We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and out little life,
Is rounded with a sleep."
From Tempest by William Shakespeare
Wow. A lot has happened. This weekend feels like one of the longest I've had in a while. Yesterday, Morgan and I went on a school trip together to Epcot for the day. It was great, we just roamed free! No check ins or anything. We did Soarin' which was amazing, I totally recommend it, Test Track (of course), and Spaceship Earth. The rest of the time we wandered around in the Countries.
We got somewhat matching necklaces in Mexico and I got a henna tattoo in Morocco. It cost a fortune, but when in Disney, pay Disney prices, right? Something like that. At least I didn't get the parasol in France..
It was a fun but exhausting day. And I think that exhaustion is kicking in now, as I type. Just in time for the new week, ain't I lucky?
This evening, I unfortunately was unable to watch the end because I got sent to bed, but I caught the majority of the 80th Academy Awards. Dad thinks Im silly for watching, but I get such a thrill from it, it's so weird. They have these little flashback montages of winners in the past 79 (in this case) years, and seeing that gets to me. It's my favorite part. Makes me happy. This time it sort of made me want to cry, but I have no clue why.
Also, this is the first year that I have watched and really wished that some day I would be up there. I watched Marion Cotillard go up for Best Actress in La Vie en Rose. It was her first nomination, I believe, and she obviously won. She was shaking and crying and everything, it was wonderful. And that's really what I would love to do some day. When I saw that it all came to me..usually I am one way or the other: I can do this or Holy crap, I wont pull this off. Tonight it was this..possibility but at the same time, this place that is so far off in the distance.
We'll see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And some Oscar quotes:
Jessica Yu, Best Short Subject Documentary, 1997 Academy Awards
"What a thrill. You know you've entered new territory when you realize that your outfit cost more than your film."
Humphrey Bogart, 1951 Academy Awards
"The only way to find the best actor would be to let everybody play Hamlet and let the best man win."
Good night, everybody.
The much awaited four day weekend of Presidents Day finally came. I had a pretty good time. Here's is what happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 1 (aka Friday):
I woke up sort of late. I did some work, homework music etc. Then I met up with Jen and Dan downtown again and we hung out at Patellini's for lunch. Dan was being all grumpy, so he went back to the library after we had walked down main street. In the meantime, Jen and I went to the toy store (at my request). There, we got the great idea to buy facepaint. The guy at the store was very helpful. He showed us all the funny little toy things like the smoking baby, Marie Antoinette action figure with spring loaded head (that one was probably my favorite), all the special edition ugly dolls, etc. So we ended up just buying a bright orange face paint marker thing. Not too much mess although it took a few tries on my hand to get the consistancy right.. Jen and I painted each others' faces. We each had a drawing on the middle of our foreheads (mine was a star, hers a heart), then we had dots on either side of that, then war paint under our eyes, dots on our noses and chins, and then Jen had a choker necklace of dots, and I ended up with a HUGE "S!" on my side (it was payback). We tried to get Dan, but he was all NO. Silly boy. Then the three of us hung out and had tickle fights at 5 point park. Afterwards, they walked me to Opera and then left. At opera everybody was like, wow, where have you been, because of the facepaint, you know. It was great.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 2 (aka Saturday):
Tres boring. I pretty much did homework all day, again, after a late start. I wanted to finish that day. I didn't. Anyway, later, Mom and I went on a bike ride, and I swear, I hadn't ridden that bike in like...a year. My butt still hurts a bit when I sit down. It was fun though. And it burned mucho calories, I am sure, which was good since I pigged out last night (but you'll hear about that later). So now here comes the exciting part (I guess..). After riding my bike, my legs pretty much couldn't hold me anymore; they had forgotten how to move in order to walk. So I plopped down on the couch for the next...maybe 4-5 hours? I know, disgusting, right? When I went to bed, I had such a headache...it was gross. I mean, not THAT bad. But pretty bad. Took a tylenol and went to sleep. At 3 AM I woke up with the feeling that somebody was hammering a nail into my head. It was probably the worst headache I have ever had. I think it was from clenching my jaw (something Mama sometimes has trouble with in her sleep). It was BAAAD. Finally, I got back to sleep with the heat pack on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 3 (aka Sunday):
Woke up pretty nice and early (I mean, if ten is early..) and did homework. I needed to do all my work because Dani was coming over for a sleepover that night. Uneventful. So she got here at four, then we went out shopping for food and to rent two movies. I was so indecisive about what to get to eat, it was hilarious. We ended up getting frozen pizza and chex mix. The movies...we were supposed to watch four Heath Ledger movies, to sort of commemorate him etc etc but we only got through like 2 and a half. We watched A Knight's Tale (neither of us had seen it), The Brothers Grimm (I'd never seen and she only once), and part of Casanova (an old favorite). The one's I hadn't seen were pretty good. Both a little....you know I mean they were sort of stupid, The Brothers Grimm in particular, but I still loved them. It was bittersweet to see Ledger work. Then we went to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day 4 (aka Monday aka Today):
Woke up around 8, went out to breakfast (french toast made by Mama, totally delicious), then watched part of Casanova. Then Dani's mom came and picked her up. I set to tidying up some last things, reorganizing my purse and restocking the lead in my pencils and the paper in my notebooks. It felt good to have that done. Then I cleaned windows and dusted (we have a realtor's open house tomorrow, early). My sister and her two sons are coming in this evening. Well, tonight really. They'll be here between 9 and 10. I sort of have a hankering to meet a friend at Barnes and Noble later...we'll see what happens.
Oh, as I was cleaning windows this morning, a snake slithered up to my foot. I didnt notice it and almost stepped on it, it got all up and hissy. I gasped and jumped inside and slammed the door shut. Mom was all what happened so I told her. She was surprised that I didn't scream. I don't really scream at things though...not that I cant be surprised. I just jump, or gasp, or something like that.
Screaming is most unladylike.
And quote for the day:
"I want to die sleeping like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passangers in his car.."-Will Shriner
Morbid, isn't it?
Dont get me wrong, it's not like I haven't been happy, but Im drifting. Just sort of floating along. I realized this when I was doing some math homework and realized that I didn't totally get the lesson and was basically just floating through it, throwing together what I could..
Today it rained. Hard. Adrienne, Emma, Maddison and I went out and danced in it during Dr. Dean's class. It was amazing. I got soaking wet. Completely drenched.
I'm looking for cameo necklaces. Wish me luck.
I'm writing this entry over the few hours of baby sitting, so some of the new paragraphs will seem really random. It's probably because it was something I came up with 30-40 minutes after the last few paragraphs had been typed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have I ever told you how much I love strawberries? I was just watching Across the Universe today and in the scene where he pins the strawberries to the canvas I was just...my mouth was totally watering. It was great. Now, whenever I see strawberries Im like WANT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've recently been doing some deep thinking about my ideal friend, boyfriend, life, home, etc. etc. My ideal movie. And what's funny is that I think book that I am reading completely embodies my ideal movie. It has courtly behavior, charm, manipulation, power, historical dresses, love, and magic! How perfect, right? Unfortunately, they are already making a movie of the book soon, before I get to the hollywood scene. Too bad, eh? But we'll see, we'll see. Maybe it will fall through.
So in thinking about my ideal movie, I got to thinking about why I really want to do movies so much, why am I so intent about it? What about acting in movies is so appealing? Why movies over theatre? I have been in operas, and love the stage, so why should I prefer something somehow less personal in a way? I would answer some of these but I think I need a few more days to really mull over things and figure out good, sufficient, and worthy answers.
Having written this entry, I've realized what I'm doing with my time from now to the end of the year...I'm really working on getting everything. Getting myself. It's really sort of...not fun. Fun is not the right word. Great. Like I said, I don't know the right word...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jam sessions! That's something I've REALLY been craving. Just getting together and playing music and singing and everything...what sucks is most of my friends aren't EXACTLY the jam session type, hehe...but we'll see. Maybe something will come together. Fate has a weird way with such things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love to sing. Just...soaring. Not necessarily opera. I was just singing along with some of the songs on the Across the Universe soundtrack...just have your sweet clear high voice flying over the land. Here is my imagination at work: I'm standing in a wheat field or something. All is golden, but for the sky, which is a beautiful shade of blue. The clouds are big and fluffy. And I'm singing. It starts with you just seeing me, but then you notice more people sort of emerging, as if out of the ground itself. You hear the beautiful harmonies. I don't really know what song we're singing. Something similar to Because, by the Beatles. It's beautiful. Enchanting.
Yeah, see those are the kinds of images I see that make me want to do movies and acting. To bring that kind of imagination to life. I would draw it but I can't draw to save my life, so. That's out of the picture..
I want to take a drawing class when I go to Deerfield, though. That would be really fun. I think it's something people should be able to do. I have heard that once you can really draw well, you view the world a different way. I suppose that's how it would be with any art. Everything seems like a dance, or a scene from a play or a movie, or a painting. You could even go so far as to say that the rumbling of the subway on its track is like the resonance of the low notes on a cello or a bass.
