Israel

Yeah. I'm packing for Israel (or should be...) I'm really excited, but not about the 14 hour flight there...

I found out recently that I will have to miss my 8th Grade graduation dance...it's you know like the equivalent of prom for us, but guess what? I have an OPERA to be in. I absolutely do not want to quit opera, but it still sucks. I might be able to be back at school for the last hour at best. And then the next day when I usually have friends to the matinee performance and then back to my place for a party...it's the same day as the class trip, so I will have to ask people to choose between me and Busch Gardens. (although from what I hear, most will go with me, yay. Also, because I am leaving a day too early, I won't be able to dissect an eyeball OR a brain in Bio. That would've made my YEAR. I was so looking forward to it.

And to top it all off, I have a rug burn.

But Israel..hopefully will help me forget about all of this. It's such a conflicting set of emotions...excitement, fear, annoyance, sadness...

I'll be glad to get away. And to somewhere awesome.

To any of you reading this that believe in God, say a prayer for me. Not that I'm all dim and depressed about this, but Israel...it is a...sorta you know..dangerous place to be, in some areas, and at some times...I really doubt anything will happen, but...you know, just as a backup net. Thanks.

Looking for God in nooks and crannies.

That's basically how it's working. I'm not really doing anything organized, just sort of absorbing things where they pop up. I pieced together some of my thoughts though to form an idea about the spiritual universe: it's all different contortions and densities of energy. By that, I mean that a) it can be twisted into negativity, positivity, anything and b) it comes in different levels. My example for density is the same as my sketchy blueprint of my idea of God: God is the most dense being. God is an ever replenishing body of energy, and if a human were ever to reach such a state through meditation or something, they would just...explode into the Void, whereas humans, crystals, healing herbs, protective symbols, they all have lesser amounts of energy. And this energy, this Qi, this Dust (reference to the Phillip Pullman books, "The Golden Compass", "The Subtle Knife", and "The Amber Spyglass", great books, go read them), whatever you want to call it is the intangible thing that every religion worships and respects. It's the binding, the common thread throughout all religion. I know this is totally jumpy and rambling, but another bit about God, about what would happen to you if you did reach that high an energy level (these are quotes from my diary, so I am reading and making it shorter and more explanatory for my readers): One would be overwhelmed to a state of nearly nothingness from the sheer and literal "grace of God".

I am really looking forward to going to Israel. More so than before because of an idea I just came up with. I'm going to this place where God is like...I dunno for me, in a way Jerusalem and God are somewhat synonymous...not that that's the only thing thought about in Jerusalem, it's just such a religious confluence of God worshipping people and that made no sense, but I think it made myself clear haha. So anyway, my new thing is that I am looking for God in nooks and crannies, which basically means that I am living life normally, except that I am stretching a little further into the little corners to see what I can pick up. Like I said at the beginning.

Guys, I am so sorry I am like repeating myself and rambling. I had a frappucino with a shot of espresso, I am in a high from piecing together my ideas about Energy, AND I am having moods swings these days, so all of these combines are like...my typing is...insane. Just yeah.

So anyway, back to less metaphysical concepts: I have a new addiction to lounge music from either modern times (meaning contemporary lol) or from the 60s. Like, 60s french lounge music. *love* So I am putting together a playlist of lounge, comment me with recommendations if you have any thanks.

Back to the God thing, I am so happy I put this together. Like I said, it sort of has me on a high. For the past few weeks since I had my one sided talk with God, I have been...frustrated, and angry, which really shouldn't be how it is. In this book I am reading, Eat, Love, Pray, the writer is hanging out with a Balinese medicine man who tells her that to meditate in the Balinese way, one must not be serious like the Indian Ashram was. Not that that is a bad thing, you just need a balance of the serious and the joyous. The wonderful example the medicine man gave to the writer was "Smile in your liver." I am feeling guilty that I am not totally happy in this search for God. I guess it's because I am impatient, which is something I need to deal with. I need to get over myself. God will not be rushed! haha. So I am only now realizing that I can't be frustrated with myself if I can't find God in a matter of days. It's a lifelong search for some people; others never really find out, but enjoy the quest anyway. Sort of like that saying, It's not the destination, it's the journey or whatever.

I love how this book has inspired me to go figure out all of this stuff.

And tonight I had a nice long chat over takeout chinese with my dad about this stuff. I have never done that before, and it felt great, like somebody is in my side (sorry, Dan, but you don't believe in this stuff, so you're not exactly as supportive as one could be. I love you.).

OK, Lost is almost on, I gotta go.

FCAT, Sunny wind, and Iced Tea (plus the lovely addition of green tights)

The title is pretty self explanatory. FCAT was today, will be tomorrow, and was Tuesday and Wednesday last week. They really drag it out which is INSANE. I have resorted to counting things in the Gym. Bleacher rows, ventilation slits, litlle bumps on the air conditioning piping, stuff like that.. The weather today walking from FCAT to math class was gorgeous though. Sunny, but not too sunny, and windy. A bit too cold in the shade, a bit too warm in the sun. Perfect. At lunch, however, it got a little bit too hot. Maybe that was because my friends and I were running around pretnding we were making a silent movie...I made a batch of peach iced tea because it felt proper. It's cooling right now as I type. It was St. Patty's Day today. Hence the green text. Here's my outfit...it's the green tights part, obviously..

Cute yah? I also wore green eyeshadow...from the quad i will tell you about...

Let's see, where were we...I guess that's it. OH WAIT I have a shopping victory to report:

The other day, during the open house, mom and I went to TJ Maxx. There they had a set of Clinique Happy To Be Perfume (a full bottle, and a travel size spray) and an eyeshadow quad, all packaged for $22. It's great because they are all very light spring/summer scents, and the e/s colors are perfect to move me into spring and out of my charcoals and bronzes of winter lol...

so that's that. and mom bought us a Madeleine Peyroux CD. She's fabulous, go listen to her myspace page.

Deerfield!

I got the acceptance letter today! It was...reassuring. I really did expect it, but still, to have it on paper and all is nice. It was annoying that it totally overshadowed my acting performance monologue thing tonight..Dan rode the bus with me and then watched and then we had dinner afterwards. At the tapas place. It was fun.

I feel sort of guilty for not being totally ecstatic.

The Other Boleyn Girl

Saw it this afternoon with Melody and Mama. Very pretty. Loved the costumes..
It must be hard to understand if you either haven't read the book or if you don't know the history. It was pretty though..I think Scarlett Johansson was better for that type of part than Natalie but I LOVED watching her "ensnare" Henry. That whole...thing. "Let them think they are in control."

Overall, an average movie. Did make me cry, but that doesn't mean much. I cry at most movies these days..

A Babysitting Post about God

I spent the afternoon with Dan at Barnes and Noble. We looked at books and magazines, drank coffee (I got a caramel frappuccino with an espresso shot--totally amazing), and talked about God, existance, religion, psychology, and philosophy. It brough up the need I have been feeling for a while of getting a clear idea about who MY God is. For me. And also to basically develop opinions on life and existance and all of those good things. Such an enterprise requires me to form an opinion on all kinds of concepts. Oh, and I want to start meditating. I am at the section of Eat Pray Love where the writer is at and Ashram in India. She meditates, chants, and cleans almost all day every day. She talks about what she finds out about God for herself and how she is getting in touch with herself and all these things and the whole time I'm thinking I want to do that. Obviously, I can't just pick up my life and go to an Ashram in the middle of nowhere in India for four months but I can meditate, and read, and work towards enlightenment. I want to go to Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. I want to meditate with mantras. I want to do all of this. It was this crazy yearning. I want to feel that power I felt on Yom Kippur this past year when I was about to pass out from hunger but couldn't have, even if i wanted to because something not entirely "myself" was keeping me up. Also, I think meditation would be great for balancing out my emotions and everything for Deerfield.

I want--no I need a full understanding of myself and my surroundings. I YEARN for that. And I will have it. Eventually.

Reading over past posts

Dudes. So many people read. It was crazy. I think I might send it out again. I had all kinds of comments discussing all the mini philosophical posts...It was great. But the posts were so...not. They were crude, I suppose. They grew better as I grew older I think. I mean, I did have a few great posts, but...this comment made me laugh me bottom off:

Here is the post:
the reason I should never be president is because today I had a political problem with something at my school and I ended up in tears.

It isnt fair when something is going wrong and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, especially if you are the in the right on that one. I mean, there is NOTHING I can do. I might as well not worry about it. Summer is almost here, I will be able to relax.

Hopefully.

Pray that you never have to deal with something like this. It is not the worst of the worst, but it's pretty bad...

And Melody's Comment:
the reason u should never b president is bc u might get shot by a jealous wife bc her husbands gets aroused everytime he hears u say "weapons of mass destruction"

bwahaha.

Grey's Anatomy music and house.

Its funny. I get this strange feeling when I listen to the Old Grey's song (Cosy in the Rocket). It's like, aahh, that's what it USED to be...it makes me feel good. Isnt that the WEIRDEST thing? Reminds me of this summer when I spent a week watching Season 2 with Melody and my Mom, eating popcorn and crying over love. Haha.

Possible house. Not actually built yet. Thoughts?

Summer plans and such.

I feel a bit like a [insert word from Miracle Worker] freak. Here I am at babysitting, and what did I bring with me? My knitting, the rest of the [Insert word for chunk of yarn here] of yarn that I have to untangle, a book, my French work. The only redeeming item I brought with me is my MacBook. At least I have some…bit of that “chic, sit-in-a-coffee-sho-typing-on-my-macbook-sipping-a-cappucino, urbanite” aura. I don’t think I mentioned that before--the other day, I was talking to three of my friends, only one of which I have had relatively deep discussions with, and they all pegged me for that type of Carrie Bradshaw-esque (sex and the city) person. That’s how I sort of hope to be in college, or even late high school; nobody had ever mentioned it before. I recounted this story to Dan, and also told him that I thought it funny that the girls I don’t know well totally pegged that and talked about it, whereas the people I knew really well never said a word of it. Dan replied: “Well, of course we don’t mention it. It goes without saying. That’s just who you are.” It feels good to have the way you see yourself be the same as what the people around you see you as. Confidence building. It tells you that you aren’t fooling yourself into thinking you are a certain way. Which is great for me these days. A nice change, you know?

So where was I? Oh right, freak. Anyway, knitting? I pulled it out in Bio the other day (we finished early) and I got a combination of odd looks and laughter. Not laughter at me, just chuckling at my..something. I forgot what she said. Cute maybe. Am I supposed to be rejoicing because I am considered cute when I knit? Whatever. Better than mockery. Even then I wouldn’t care. I love knitting. My scarf is hideous though. Lumpy, with holes where I dropped stitches, and strings hanging off where the yarn broke and I had to tie two pieces together. It is my first in a while, so I guess it’s understandable…the next one will be loads better. Yay.
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This book is amazing. As I was rushing out the door to meet the woman I was babysitting for, I was trying to hastily make a decision as to which book I was going to bring: Under the Tuscan Sun, or Eat, Pray, Love. Both of them seem sort of similar…self discovery and adventure when traveling in a new country, but somehow I tend to think that Eat, Pray, Love (the one I ultimately chose) will be…deeper. Both will be read eventually.

I have been thinking about what I will do with my time this summer. Last summer, I just sort of coasted through. And by coasting, I mean sitting up until all hours in my room watching Grey’s Anatomy, Season 2 twice. It depressed me; I have a dark room. I can’t go into a new crazy intense school, into High School, with that kind of attitude behind me. I have decided that it will be a cleansing, relaxing, and enlightening summer. I will complete my reconstruction of myself. The things that pop out to me when I think about this are: reading books on my book list (specifically ones that will probably not be read at a sophisticated prep school, for example, Under the Tuscan Sun), watching all the old movies I want to watch in order to find my cinematic inspiration, and losing 10-15 pounds. I will probably end up cutting that number back to 5-10 when the times come, but every bit helps.I have an image of myself getting all these movies and watching them while on the treadmill in the basement. I mean, we have to get all the movies, and the treadmill first, but whatever, we’ll do it. Then I will sit down, have some iced tea, and read a good book. I will also learn to sew my own clothes, go blueberry picking, and create a new wardrobe for school. Dan will be coming to camp with me. His parents will send him up early so that I can show him around Northampton. That should be fun. I told him I would take him blueberry picking.

I was thinking about what we talked about, with the impulsiveness thing. And I realized that it’s not that im not impulsive. I just plan my weirdnesses…ok. That made no sense, I admit it. Let’s change impulsive to…adventurous? Quaintly adventurous…that will have to do for now. Here’s what I mean: Jen will see a tree and say, “I want to climb that tree.” Then she will do it. I will think to myself, “Wouldn’t it be fun to climb that tree? But it would be bad, that’s city property. I’ll wait until I’m back at my uncle’s house in the country to climb trees.” I see beading stores across the street and decide to make necklaces. I got blueberry picking. It’s not like I live a frigid life, doing homework, practicing music. I mean, yes, sometimes that is almost all my day consists of, but that is also partially my inability to drive to said blueberry farm. No, I would not just jump into a lake with all my clothes on if I happened upon a lake. But I would consider it. I’d think twice.

I know what to call it: Cautiously adventurous.

Sometimes I feel like I am one big oxy moron. Sometimes with emphasis on moron.

Amazing Movies and Beading.

Last night, Jen came over. We had pizza and cookies, watched Shakespeare in Love (which always makes me cry), and then I sewed a pillow while she worked on untangling my yarn. We talked about life. And everything. What we wanted to do, where we were going emotionally.
Today was amazing. It was the craziest mix of anger, frustration, channeling creativity, blistered feet, and oddities.

I was angry this morning. I had to practice a double session of cello, which I hate doing. I did well though. It was actually great. I made a breakthrough witht these mordents--I dont know if you know what mordents are...just trust that it is good. Once I finished practicing and cleaning my room, I went over to Dan's house.

 We walked to St. Armands.  I was in new shoes, which killed.  On the way, we had the first of two very intriguing conversations.  "Does the thought ever cross your mind that you won't be an actress, that you'll fall in love with some guy, drop out of school, get pregnant and live as a housewife for the rest of your days?" He asked.  And the answer I came up with was so...right that it still is sort of turning around in my mind.  I'm too..selfish, really.  I can't think of a less harsh word..but I would never let my ambitions be but aside.  I am too proud to let go like that.

We got ice cream at Kilwins.  I got Cookies and Cream with Sour gummy worms.  It would have been disgusting together, but I wanted each one, and each was available to me.  I just ate the worms first and then the ice cream.  Then we walked along for a while.  Once we stopped on a bench, and across the street, Dan pointed out a beading shop.  "Do you want to make a necklace?" I said.  He agreed, so off we went.  

It was the cutest little shop.  Really funky decor, but still clean looking.  You got little trays and paper to keep track of everything.  I got stuff to make two  necklaces.